From declaring my love to Vanessa Redgrave to being fed cockroaches by Steve Buscemi, from turnip-based comedy with Blackadder to being farted on by Arnold Schwarzenegger, from Graham Norton's sofa to Alan Cumming's campervan, my life has been (and continues to be) a riotous adventure.

Oh Miriam! has been such a constant refrain in my life, said in all kinds of tones - laughs, surprised gasps and orgasmic sighs (I'm hoping for all those from you as you read on!) - that it had to be the title of this book. And with a castlist that stretches from Churchill to di Caprio, Dahl to Dietrich, Princess Margaret to Maggie Smith, I've got so much more to tell you and so much more to say.

My chapters range from 'How to Stay Married' to 'Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down'. Discover how to break the thickest conversational ice; why swearing is actually good for you (though not on the Today programme); the unexpected things I actually learnt at school and what my Spice Girl name would be. Not to mention my Tale of the Unexpected and my very own Vagina Monologue.

Buckle up and join me on another unforgettable adventure, but this time through my heart and head...

* No gerunds (or Johnsons - worse luck!) were harmed in the making of this book *